Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
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