The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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