turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
