There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
