Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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