The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
