I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Randomize
