surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
