tequila makes me forget i have legs
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
