In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Randomize
