I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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