i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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