your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
