I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
