my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
