look no pants
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
