call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
