I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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