I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
