Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
