Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
