Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize