Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Randomize
