i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
