why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
