she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
