If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
