cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
