This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
