My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
