I feel great
I just peed on a car
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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