My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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