Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
