I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
