Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
