Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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