My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
