I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
