Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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