where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
