I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
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