A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
do nipples grow back?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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