I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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