Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
