the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
