He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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