just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
