Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
