today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
