It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
