I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
how does that bad decision feel?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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