yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
