So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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