I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
